Vibing Mushroom Prayers

Can I stop trying, but in a good way?

*CW: This post includes mention of depression, thoughts of despair, and low mental state that could be triggering to some individuals.

Hello, world! It’s me again, Your Depressed Friend!

To give you a quick snapshot of my mental state lately, last week I Googled": “What to do when things are good but you feel like life is meaningless.”

(shout out to the internet’s algorithm, a system of incomprehensible calculations that’s usually spam garbage but faithfully puts SAMSHA in the #1 spot for queries like this, a thing which I highly support).

Before you get concerned, let me assure you that I am committed to continuing my existence on this mortal plane. Whether it’s resilience, stubbornness, or an obstinate refusal to be bested by my brain chemistry, I’m in it for the long all with this whole “life” thing.

I just haven’t really been having a good time with it lately.

For people who don’t understand depression, they often think it’s a sadness thing, or an emo teenager thing, or a lack of discipline thing.

People sometimes have a hard time reconciling the reality of who I am—a curious, creative, joyful person—with my stories of mental lows and physical life valleys full of dark isolation and fried carbs.

There’s a third me with a bucketful of popcorn but, yeah, this tracks.

The truth is that I work really hard to show up to life—I make plans, I cultivate intimate relationships, I engage with hobbies, I try to be a good friend and daughter and human.

And, at the same time, the trying is exhausting.

For reason’s complicated and varied, people with depression are out there in the world walkin’ around with heavy boots and jacket pockets full of lead.

Life feels harder than it “should.”

And, lately, it’s been harder than usual for me. Even with summer, even with time with friends, even with sunshine and blue skies and my garden…I’m finding it hard to be here.

To be fair, I wouldn’t want to be on Bachelors in Paradise, either.

I could be feeling lower than the usge because I’m losing my job in a week and half.

It could be because I’m STILL struggling through finishing the album I’ve been working on since 2019.

It could be from getting older and feeling a wave of grief about isolation and the dreams I couldn’t make happen.

It could be any number of things, all mixed together and jumbled into a mental health cocktail garnished with changing hormones and an inadequate Zoloft dose. Who knows?

Jeff Goldblum knows it’s complicated

Lately I’ve been having a hard time being EXCITED about anything in my life. Nothing makes me want to get outta bed, or outta the house. I drag my feet to water my garden, feeling guilty that I’m not doing more for my sweet little pepper plants that I can’t seem to make thrive. IS IT A METAPHOR? IT’S A METAPHOR, RIGHT?

Yesterday my friend Liesl started a message to a friend group chat with “Well, here I am: surviving but definitely not thriving” and I FELT. THAT.

How I fear my plants look at me when I go out to shower them with water but also the energetic weight of my own despair.

Anyway, shit’s hard. But sometimes I wonder if I’m too hard on myself. What if I could just “stop trying” (but in a good way) and let myself vibe like a weird lil’ mushroom in the woods—not needing to do anything, make anything, improve anything, change anything, achieve anything?

Is a weird lil’ mushroom content? Does it have existential crisis or feel lacking in a sense of deep purpose or even a daily motivation to be itself?

If it doesn’t feel this way—if it feels infinite peace and a sense of belonging just by being here—why can’t we? A mushroom is part of nature and so are we, so it only makes sense that we should also get the chance to feel a deep sense of rightness about our existence, no?

Teach me your ways, weird lil’ vibing mushroom

Well, the only way is onward. And if I have any prayers left after years of askings un-met, it might be something like this:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is a flailing garden, let me sow seeds even if they die for a reason I can’t explain;
where there is inexplainable neck pain, ease;
where there is existential dread, tiny hope;
where there is shuttered curtains, light peeking through;
and where there is sadness, maybe sadness that still makes you laugh a bit.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be whole as to accept my whole self;
to be understood as to understand some things can’t be understood;
to be loved as to like some daily shit.
For it is in giving (up) that we sometimes receive rest;
it is in pardoning (ourselves) that we can listen to some Dolly Parton after days of not showering and not feel ashamed about it;
and it is in vibing like a weird lil’ mushroom in the woods we can can experience eternal life.

Amen.

Wherever you are and whatever you’re feeling, I’m hanging in there with you,

Annie B.

P.S Maybe you can leave a comment and tell me what helps YOU get outta bed? I’m open to all life inspo!

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THREE GOOD THINGS

1. Last week I went to dinner at my friends Rob and Sandra’s house and Sandra made these mushroom tacos with lion’s mane mushrooms that were FREAKIN’ BOMB. I don’t have that recipe, but I do have this other magic non-meat taco option with canned jackfruit that is really easy and very satisfying.

2. I can barely leave my house, but meanwhile mushrooms are goin’ to space??

3. Y’all have any cool new hobbies I could get excited about doing in my days? I’ve tried almost all of These 50 Inexpensive Hobbies You can Start Right Now, so maybe you can help me with some new ideas.