Earlier this week I found out that the job I was counting on for next week—and, one month ago, the job I was counting on for 2022—is in fact ending today.
I want to write a bolstering missive about persistence and bravery, about knowing your worth and believing in your value, about obstinately hoping that the “next good thing” will not only be found but find YOU, but the truth is that I’m feeling very, very vulnerable and really, really anxious about losing my job/having to locate another one.
What do y’all do when you feel afraid? How do you meet the doomsday voices in your head saying “We knew it would happen” and “the end is nigh!”?
I’m currently reading Twyla Tharp’s The Creative Habit, and while my experience of dance is relegated to childhood tap lessons, tipsy wedding receptions, and interpretive movement to emo songs when I’m alone in my room, I’m really enjoying her no-nonsense language around the work of creating art.
Talking about fear, Tharp says:
“In those long and sleepless nights when I’m unable to shake my fears sufficiently, I borrow a biblical epigraph from Dostoyevsky’s The Demons: I see my fears being cast into the bodies of wild boars and hogs, and I watch them rush to a cliff where they fall to their deaths.”
So, yeah. That’s where I’m at. Editing out my resume, connecting on LinkedIn, stress-eating carbs, obsessively checking my bank account, praying for a miracle with lackluster faith, and mentally sending my fears off the nearest cliff as much as I can.
I’m trying to remind myself that the doing doesn’t necessarily HAVE to feel easy, and confident, and hopeful.
And while I DO focus on my self-talk to TRY to maintain a non-fatalistic perspective by recognizing past blessings with gratitude, I know it’s ok to have a niggling sense of anxiety or a nagging fear of unemployment.
Regardless of how I feel, I still try to show up. I open my computer and I write some words, send an email, look for work, check in with a friend, eat a thing, read a book, do a word jumble. Some days I take a shower (yes I said “some days,” don’t judge me.)
Wherever you’re at this week and whatever is giving you anxiety, I’m collectively sitting in “Hog-Fear Death Mode” with you and sending you energy for the continued doing.
We got this,
THREE GOOD THINGS
Have y’all seen Encanto yet? I liked it. TBH it didn’t hold up for me writing-wise with some other really tight Disney narratives buuuuuut this song has been swirling around my brain for days. (Better than earlier in the week, when for some reason I couldn’t stop humming the MacGyver theme song?)
Travel is feeling like it’s slipping away so I’m just dreaming of riding a bike down this glow-in-the-dark path in Poland.
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