The Patron Saint of Salad Dressing

Zingers from a Zesty Zeus

Have you ever received direct communication from the Universe?

I’ve talked to people who have felt tangible spiritual presences, or experienced vivid prophecies, or been washed over with other-worldly peace or joy, or had unexplainable miracles that defy the laws of science.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to sit in awe and wonder in profound communion with the Divine.

But the All Knowing has another, very specific, way that it communicates with me:

I get pranked.

The Almighty, about to have a lil’ giggle at my expense

I don’t know why the Great Beyond chooses to interact with me in gags and goofs, in the equivalent of “pull my finger” fart jokes and “snakes in a can” antics. I think it might have something to do with that fact that I’m a person who is both highly intense and at the same time very appreciative of the silly.

I’m often so enmeshed in my own deep feelings and inner world that slapstick humor can shake me out of my dramatic self-importance and let me laugh a bit.

PAR EXEMPLE:

A few months ago I was feeling pretty emo. I’d been working a job I really loved that sort of turned into something different. I felt uninspired and useless and meandering. And what often follows failed expectations is a very pointed bitterness at the fates for tormenting me with the disappointment and impotence of a human condition. 

Also me when my takeout order is slightly wrong

I know we all feel this way sometimes. A shade of “why me?” or “why not me?” that colors our current reality in a dingy, ungrateful hue. Sometimes I worry that when I die, my tombstone will say something like “Couldn’t be pleased, even when shit was pretty cool.”

The truth is, paying attention to what isn’t there means we miss out on the stuff that’s already in our frickin’ hands.

So, somehow, whenever I’m feeling cranky about life, a Divine Sign will pop up like a flower in a shit-patch to tell me I’m not alone, I’m loved, I’m ok, it’s all good, chill out, just laugh a little, don’t be such a whiny little beyotch, etc…

These moments happen in huge and small ways like generous gifts, messages from friends, words of encouragement, surprise mail, a butterfly crossing my path in my garden, a kind action from a stranger, seeing a silly thing while I’m out in public, finding a Youtube video that warms my heart, etc..

And sometimes, I get a little trickster prank in my path.

“Uh oh, Annie’s got the SADs again. Time to get Punk’d!”

So. I was feelin’ emo a few months ago. I was working my job but also checking my music e-mail with a sort of bitter resignation. There’s rarely anything new in there because I got burnt out of trying to make music happen and basically gave up.

But there’s also still a little voice inside sometimes when I open that email account that says “Maybe something cool will be in here this time! Maybe an artist you love will have found your music and will invite you on tour! Maybe Jon Brion discovered your stuff on Bandcamp and wants to record your next album! Maybe a bigwig wants to give you actual money to have one of your songs in a cool movie! Maybe someone sent your song to Glennon Doyle and she wants to feature your music about depression/mental health/social expectations for women on her next podcast episode!”

But in the same breath as that one inner voice says “Maybe, maybe…” another more angry voice says “don’t be stupid, there’s never going to be anything surprising in here.”

So the other day I opened my email with these thoughts playing in my head and found…

::CUE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC::

An email from Hidden Valley Ranch.

Talking Pizza? What is this waking nightmare?

Now, I know we all occasionally sign up for newsletters we don’t remember (heck, maybe you’re confused about why THE ANNIGRAM keeps showing up in your inbox.)

But I can promise you, as much as I like to occasionally dip my snacks in creamy sauce, I did not willingly submit my name to receive continual electronic communication about salad dressing, beginning with a welcome e-mail titled, un-ironically, “Hey, Hidden Valley® Ranch lover!”

Now THIS is a Hidden Valley Ranch lover.

I have no idea how this message came to me. But when I opened my email and saw it, I laughed so hard. And with that ridiculous, random, completely un-asked for communication from…somewhere?…I released a bit of my self-important sorrow and soaked up a buncha joy (much like dry broccoli florets soak up delicious zesty ranch).

Who knew that all I needed to achieve a fleeting inner peace was marketing propaganda from corporate America???

Anyway, maybe you think this is a long-winded note just to tell you that I got an e-mail about salad dressing.

And maybe this missive will encourage you to look around at the small ways life is surprising you. All I’m saying is that if random, strange, bizarre and unexpected BENIGN things can happen in your life (like a gifted newsletter subscription about french fry sauce?) then random, strange, bizarre and unexpected REALLY COOL things can also possibly happen.

Either way, I’m hoping for tiny surprises for your week.

Love,

Annie

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THREE GOOD THINGS

1. I can’t remember if I’ve shared this already, but even if I have it’s worth another shout. This hummus. It’s the best hummus. And it takes 5 minutes to make.

2. This is a belated TGT (three good things), but I really loved the show Somebody, Somewhere.

3. I’ve been trying to up my skincare game, and I love following Charlotte Palmerino because she features a range of products for all different budgets (no shade, but I will NOT be spending $200 on eye cream. Like my friend Steven said: “So, you start using a $200 eye cream and then you just…have to use it…every day…forever?) I also stan Charlotte because she makes it very clear that aging is normal, and awesome.