George Clooney Ain't Shit
I’m 40 and I’m getting older, and it feels pretty crap sometimes in a world where I’m supposed to look 25 forever.
Our world is obsessed with our physicality—jawlines and collarbones a currency, white teeth and abs as entry cards. There’s a Body Balance Beam™ of effort and effortlessness that popular culture has agreed to walk, and mostly I find myself flailing to stay upright on it like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peel.
I’m embarrassed to admit that as much as I know beauty value culture is a scam, I see myself ascribing to it—feeling bad that I’m not younger, begrudging a brow interrupted by fault lines, mourning the slope of my chin.
But recently I stumbled across a picture of The Office’s “Michael Scott” character from Season 1 and it took me down a rabbit hole into the world of male hair implants, and it helped me feel a bit better to know that we’re all just sort of cobbling together ourselves.
Anyway, I wrote a poem about it.
It’s called “George Clooney Ain’t Shit,” and here it is:
George Clooney ain’t shit
except he is— he’s a human
and valuable, like you.
-
He seems kind and funny and he cares about his craft
and a celebrated international human-rights lawyer likes him
so that counts for a lot
-
But if you’re feeling bad in comparison
please see
the Wizard of Oz
behind a curtain of hair implants
-
I don’t say this to shame!
I am pro-boob-job and botox and hair dye and hair cut and hairstyles
but that season 5 ER widow’s peak didn’t disappear by itself
and the world seems unfriendly and unfair
if we assume that gods gave promotions when we were out sick
-
Please compare Steve Carrel Office Season 1 and Current Steve Carrel Silver Fox
(objective love and respect)
Give yourself a gift and Google celebrity nose jobs
(allowed, non-judged)
Or no the glowing no make-up makeup of Alicia Keys
(game recognize game)
-
Look at a picture of your sister from prom
(perm, shoulder pads)
or your mom from her wedding
(lace and a sunhat)
or your dad in when his mane was long and thick
(playing guitar while barefoot)
-
Aging is a gift
and natural
Wanting to be our “best” ourselves is natural too
but maybe natural doesn’t exist
that’s ok
because it’s good to know
-
that we are all shaping and molding ourselves
the ones we idolize or envy as well
adding and taking away
wondering how to be in the world
-
so we’ll be growing
forever
almost as if it matters a lot
and matters not at all
and it helps to remember
-
George Clooney ain’t shit
except he is—he’s a human
valuable and changing, like you.
THREE GOOD THINGS
If you didn’t quite get the tone of this poem, please enjoy the wonder of André Leon Talley’s most iconic outfits.
Someone please buy one of these fancy sleep masks and tell me if they’re worth the price tag.
AN ABSOLUTE ICON