Hello everyone. What’s that? You’re wondering where I’ve been?
I’ve been here. Yup, I am still here. I am continuing my here-ness in this life trajectory.
::CHANT IT WITH ME:: I’m here! I’m here! Get Used to It! (Sorry Queer community for morphing this phrase, I just needed a mantra to remind me that just continuing to exist can be a triumph all its own.)
How are y’all doing? Are you eating vegetables? It’s ok if you’re not. It’s ok if you don’t shower as much as you like, or get as much work done as you once did. It’s ok if you’re merely residing with gritty stoicism in your here-ness, too.
Life continues on. I am trying to do nice things for people when I can, and nice things for myself when I remember to, and let myself eat WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT because of what this meme said better than I could:
2020 is too hard to add bread-less sandwiches into the mix, y’all. DON’T DO THAT TO YOUR SOULS!
Personally, I am trying to allow myself the breads and check small things off of my list while not letting myself sink into the weary world of joyless To-Do-ing.
For example: The other day I bought myself a candle because I got my flu shot.
It was easy and relatively painless, especially when I averted my eyes away from the needle and breathed deep and thought about being on a beach. Target gave me a $5 gift card for allowing my body to be injected with a tiny amount of potent illness, and then I almost used that money to buy Breathe Right nasal strips but luckily my inner voice was like NO HOW DARE YOU IS YOUR SOUL DEAD INSIDE??? and I bought a flammable holiday-scented votive instead.
Anyway, I hope you’re hanging in there. What is something you did for yourself this week that coulda been a nasal strips situation but you turned it into a holiday candle? Maybe keep an eye out for tiny ways to show up for yourself. I’m gonna do the same.
I know it’s hard sometimes, though. Because this time is sort of like being lost on the ocean, and having no shore in sight. And there are only so many sea shanties you can sing before your throat is hoarse and you’re bored with the words and tired of the sound of your own voice.
Still, this life experience finds a way to surprise me. The other day I was texting my cousin. We were talking about something and I responded “Coolio.” And then I was like “Did I just say ‘coolio’? A super cheesy word I have literally never uttered, even when I was 12 in the 90’s? Where the hell did that come from? What is going on??? This time is hurting me.” And my cousin was like girl, I don’t know, shit’s weird.
“I feel like my brain is firing in unpredictable ways,” I said, “like when physical parts of you die but the synapses keep sizzling.”
Can that be a sort of positivity? Realizing that my own cerebral neural pathways can still surprise me? Maybe I’ll choose to think so, just like this comedian’s hopeful perspective that even terrible mishaps can be seen as miracles.
Welp, with that I will bid you adieu. I hope you can marvel in wonderment when your laundry burns.
P.S I wrote a new song this week, and I have a video of another song I’m going to share with my super cool VIP paid subscribers (sorry it’s been delayed, y’all. It’s, you know, 2020), so if you’re not one yet you should contribute to a yearly or monthly paid subscription cuz it’s a really good song (I think?) and the first new one I’ve written in a good long while, and you’ll only get to hear it if you support the fraught journey and tenuous financial endowment of the independent arts.
THREE GOOD THINGS
I’ve moved on from jalapeño poppers and now all I eat is this bread. (Also, I’m lying. I had jalapeño poppers yesterday.)
I don’t even know, gang. I’m tired. Did you watch that comedy bit yet? Cuz it’s probably the best “good thing” I’ve seen in a while.
Oh! This super-star Sam raps an ABC song about careers that HE MEMORIZED and I can’t even remember to take my trash out. This is the best.